The End Is Near


I’ll be 29 in a few weeks and while my feelings on this are tantamount to the apocalypse, I’ve decided nevertheless to celebrate. So, I’m planning a party. And while I’ve been scouring the web in preparation, I have however been sidetracked with this..

“29 things you’re too old for as of your 29th birthday” by Amelia Mc-Donell-Parry.

I figured I’d take a break and offer my thoughts.

1.Wear headbands, head-to-toe pink, and cheerleader skirts

Ok, cheerleader skirts..? Lol.

2.Celebrate your birthday on more than one day

She’s crazy. Pay no further attention to anything else she says.

3.Reminisce about college

Why not? This was the in-between place of adolescence and adulting.

4.Reminisce about the college you never attended (Oh, Stanford … )

Who has the time?

5.Send cryptic messages to people via Facebook and Twitter

Again, who has the time? Lol.

6.Think of your high school boyfriend as the one who got away

Nah.

7.Refer to any boyfriend from that long ago by the era he’s associated with — no one cares that you dated Josh the summer after your freshman year at community college

How else do you bloody well keep track?!

8.Wear holiday-themed outfits, like pastels and bows on Easter and red and green plaid on Christmas (unless you are Catherine and wear red and green plaid year-round)

It’s fun!

9.Quote self-help books and/or “Sex and the City” episodes — unless it’s in a mocking fashion

Carrie Bradshaw is my spirit animal.

10.Decorate your apartment from Pottery Barn Teen and/or Urban Outfitters

IKEA.

11.Put up posters with tape or thumbtacks instead of frames

And what will keep the frames on the wall..

12.Attend concerts featuring anyone who wasn’t born by the year you started college (i.e., Justin Bieber) unless you are escorting a much younger family member

This is her best bit of wisdom.

13.Olsen Twin movie marathons (I know, I know, “Passport to Paris” is a classic, but get over it)

My apologies, see #12.

14.Calling men “boys” on a regular basis

They are what they behave to be.

15.Say or write “LOL”

LMFAO

16.Tote your dog around everywhere, unless you are blind and he/she is a seeing-eye dog.

If it can walk, it can walk.

17.Want to be treated like a princess, to live life like it’s a fairytale, and to be looking for your Prince Charming

Blame Disney.

18.Own teddy bears and other stuffed animals, unless you have one (singular!) that is left over from your childhood that holds a lot of sentimental value

She went back to crazy town here.

19.Call your father “daddy”

No problem. I retired the word a long time ago.

20.Subscribe to teen magazines, unless you work as a writer specializing in teen issues

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul?

21.Spend more than one hour on the phone with a friend, unless she truly is in a crisis or you haven’t talked to her in over a year and need to catch up

I should probably actually do this. My unused minutes are piling up.

22.Have your parents pay your bills, unless it’s your student loans and they insist OR you’re going through a short, temporary rough financial patch

Right. Parents do this?

23.Consider a haircut a huge massive change of epic proportions, unless it’s a post-breakup haircut and you write one measly essay about the subject

HA. Coco Chanel. So low me.

24.Consider your hair color to be a significant part of your identity, unless you’re a redhead

I am not my hair.

25.Talk about how OMG wasted you got last night, like having a hangover makes you cool

Hangovers are expensive and aging.

26.Lay out in the sun without sunscreen

See #25.

27.Sit on anyone’s lap, unless you’re trying to fit five people in a taxi that sits four

If I can fit on it, I will sit on it.

28.Wear glasses for “fashion” when you don’t have a prescription or vision issues

Yes. This is shit.

29.Feel any shame or embarrassment about masturbating

If you don’t know what you like, who will?

But you’re never too old to/for …

1.Consider your dog your best friend

He understands me.

2.Call your mom for advice

She will always know best.

3.A one-night-stand 

One night too many.

4.Ask for someone’s help — financial, emotional, whatever — when you really need it

It helps.

5.Discover your passion in life

Wholeheartedly agree.

6.Eat breakfast for dinner

YAAAAASSSSS!

7.Sleep in past 11 a.m.

The sun won’t let me.

8.A nap

Beauty regimen.

Life is an experience isn’t it? But it’s an experience unique to each of us. And every list of the “do’s” and “don’t’s” is personal. It is safe to say however that on approaching any milestone, we inevitably take measure of ourselves and of our surroundings. The where you thought you would be versus the where you are is quite important. It is easy enough to plan, to list all of the things you want to be and pursue and accomplish. I own my own home…I thought I’d have moved in by now. But it’s easy to plan, it’s just not as easy to do. So there will be setbacks..or rather, just other ways of getting there.

My advice? I have none. Like I said, life is personal. I just want to have a good birthday. For me, it’s the little things, the right now moments. I’ve already dreamt at a distance. It isn’t guaranteed. None of this is.

x. Ginny

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