I think from my first moments of awakening consciousness, I struggled with myself. I was overweight and people told me so, often. And somehow, any compliment I did receive had the back ended effect of my weight also. “You’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re great but you’re fat.” Slowly but surely, it became an attache in my mind that everything would be perfect if I weighed less. As I grew into my teenage years, I stretched out a bit and my weight was less pronounced. I still thought I was fat though. And by then, I didn’t feel very pretty. I regained the weight.
I have found that children can be cruel, but adults are even worse. We should at least know better. I think in the end it comes from the deep seated issues and insecurities within all of us. Issues and insecurities we scantly seek to address. We cast a critical eye instead at others and we compare and contrast ourselves with them because it’s easier than just looking inward. I have said some things about people that quite honestly, I would never want to be said about me. And I have said some things to people that have been said to me. There is nothing good or right about it. To repay cruelty with cruelty is often easier than to be kind. But life isn’t about what’s easy, it’s about what’s right.
I could probably justify every awful comment that I’ve ever made. It was provoked, I felt attacked, I was frustrated and angry and in some situations I just got tired of all the shit. But I am sorry. For every bad thing I’ve ever said to anyone and about anyone, I apologize. It matters how someone treats you, not what they look like. It matters how you treat others and not what you look like. And it’s not about not being judgmental, but more so about having that peace within yourself that provoked or unprovoked, you do not meet life with an unkind word.
The world attempts to define us before we even have a chance of knowing ourselves. Yet still, it is the way in which we define who we are that will truly endure. I am not my size, I am not my face, or my hair, or my skin colour. But they are all pieces of me. Would I be the same person I am if they were any different? No, I wouldn’t be. They have impacted the individual I am and that which I am becoming. Because in some way, they caused and will cause an experience in my life, and the hate or love I have for my parts affects the way in which I feel about the whole of me. I am a soul. But I am also a body, however temporary it may be. And my feelings and treatment of one ultimately affects my feelings and treatment of the other.
What I put out there to others and what I put into myself matters. Finding myself at peace finally is like, this is who I am..and this is what I look like? Ok, cool. I’m comfortable. I’m at ease. Did my former doctor tell me to lose 50 stone and I would feel better? Yes he did. What does he know anyway? Apparently, skinny people do not have health concerns. I have overestimated my size, I have underestimated it. I have even thought myself to be ugly. And I have known myself to be unkind. But, making someone else feel bad about themselves won’t make me feel any better about me.
So, my name is Gina and my body wobbles in some places. My skin is differing shades of brown and it takes a month to grow hair on my legs. One of my eyes is lazy but I love the shape of them both. I will binge watch an entire season of Charmed rather than fill out my applications or study. I adore ice-cream and I walk around my house naked. I could read/watch movies/be on the beach all day. I feel everything but I am not as nice as I want to be. I believe in God and I know that we can be better humans to each other. And currently I am nauseous and yet still hungry. I am not perfect, but I am me.
The things I have and don’t have in life will impact who I am, the bigger impact however will come from what I do in the presence and absence of these. I endeavour to be kind to others, I endeavour to be kind to myself. It will do so much more for my growing consciousness.