My all and end all. I’ve been through some things that I had no idea how I would get through them. I’ve been worried and afraid and helpless in times where there seemed like no end in sight. God has been there. I believe in his deliverance. And I remember him even on the days when things arn’t bad because even then I still remember when they were. My heart beats for him.
We don’t always get along. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even belong and that they don’t understand me. The support and the love however is always there. My family is traditional and big and we have many different last names but our blood calls to each other. I have brothers and a sister, sisters-in-law and a brother-in-law, I’ve got neices and nephews, a great-nephew and a great-neice. Aunts and uncles and cousins in abundance and a mother who gives me life each and every day. My house is always crowded and our home is always full. My heart beats for them.
I don’t have a lot of friends. But I can count on the ones that I do. They’re fierce and loyal and they are brutally honest. I appreciate them because they don’t feed me the things I want to hear. I get the things that I need. I’ve got the ramdom Tuesday type friends, they wake me up, they wish me goodnight and I know that the love is real. They curse me to my face and praise me behind my back and I wouldn’t be able to bail any of them because we would all be locked up together. They are my family and I am theirs. My heart beats for them too.
I have a deep love for cooking though sadly I don’t do it often. But it is one of my first memories of my mother. And I learned by her hand. I come from a family of cooks actually. But I hate cooking in large quantities. That’s my mother’s terrain. My instagram feed is glut with foodie photos. And I watch the food network even when I’m in the dentist’s chair. It may just be why I’ve got this extra jiggle but I like new recipes and old favourites. My heart beats for it.
Music, movies, theatre, art..they all inspire me. They are the manifestations of creativity and tangible effects of glorious minds and effort. They are my accompaniment to life. They remind you that you are not alone. They give life to characters and situations relatable and fantastical all at once. They are our dreams come to life and reality exemplified. My heart beats for them.
I remember my mother teaching me how to spell. I remember walking into the book room at school barely 5 years old and looking in utter consternation for a book to read that wasn’t just words. I remember my first Enid Blyton, my first Nancy Drew. I remember my first Tolkien, J.K. Rowling and Jacqueline Carey. And I remember thinking I want to do this. To create worlds and characters and scenarios. I wanted to extend my imagination, I wanted to issue the same comfort, the same inclusion, the same calling that I received through reading. It is why I write. I want to remember the first by my own hand. And my heart beats for it.
I used to be a complete home body. But I also used to wonder. What else is out there, where does this road or path go? I think it helps that when I did embark on my first adventure that I wasn’t even aware that that was what I’d been doing. I just arrived in a foreign country with no local currency, where my cell didn’t work and the wifi wouldn’t connect, where it was nearly dark and I really knew no one. I was there for 3 years, and it is still one of the best times of my life. Years later, sitting in London somewhere between my home and my heart, an old lady approached me. Just as they do, she struck up conversation. She was traveling with her children and grandchildren and asked who I was there with. I told her I was alone. (I had little fear that Granny was malicious). She thought I was incredible to travel so young, so far and so by myself. I laughed but I thanked her. You learn a lot about yourself when all you have is yourself. But even when you do have a companion, it is still wonderful. You are forging something new together and your experience is now shared and enhanced. I have a million memories. I pray for a million more. My heart beats for it.
In everything that touches us, we are afforded an opportunity to grow. Sometimes we know it and others we scarcely recognise the significance until the moment is past. The good thing though is that even in hindsight we can learn. And through our thoughts and words and deeds we are able to manifest changes because of this growth. I used to think that if everyone liked me then I was doing something right. I’ve learnt enough now to know that if everyone liked me then somehow I wasn’t been true to myself. I’ve learnt too that growth isn’t just gaining something new, it is the gain of something better and the loss of that which makes us worse. It is said that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, that you should train up a child in the way that he should go that when he becomes old he shall not depart from it. I believe that even the old dog can learn something and the child that has become a man can still disgrace his mother. Life surprises you. The journey is long. But as long as man dares to go where angels fear to tread then growth is possible. My heart beats for it.
I am the youngest of my mother’s children. And by the time I was born my siblings were steadfast on approaching adulthood. So, we never played together as children. And although I didn’t want for playmates, I developed early an affinity for my own company. It stays with me to this day. And granted you begin to miss the sound of your own voice but then you speak aloud to yourself, you sing, you embrace the freedom free of perception, judgement and emotional entanglements. Whether I am alone by myself or alone in a crowd, I enjoy it. You get these rare moments to just be, to check on yourself, see how you’re doing and where you’re going. My heart beats for it.
This is the total sum of all other parts. Because truly what your heart beats for are the things that you love. And love itself while we may feel it, we still may never fully understand what it is truly. Ask anyone why it is they love anything or anyone..the answer varies, it contradicts itself, sometimes they don’t even know the why, they just know that they do. I believe in love. I have seen it and felt it and shared it. It is to date the most wonderful and the most devastating element in existence in my opinion. What makes you laugh and cry, excited and anxious, hurt and repaired? What brings you life and experience, leaves you and finds you? Love. I have been lost with and without it. I feel it for things, I feel it for others and where all love must start, I feel it for myself. My heart truly beats for it.