Body In Revolt, My CRPS Nights

Since we’re both awake, Hi!

So..I very seldom try to write when I’m feeling this way, but tonight is a night that I just can’t sleep. The entirety of my left arm feels as if it’s on fire. From my shoulder to my finger tips, I’m on edge with a pain that I wish would just go the fuck away (parlez-vous français?). Lifting my arm is concentrated effort, flexing my fingers to type this is work and every movement I make pronounces the fact that slowly my body is driving me crazy. I tried laying still, I tried stretching it out, I roamed the house and I got tired. And I think  that the worst thing about it all is the battles I have to go through with people to prove something that they can not see but I have to feel every single day. Sigh.

I’m waiting now for the Lyrica (which and my doctor basically say “affects chemicals in the brain that send pain signals across the nervous system.”) to do some work because as much as I hate the thing, tonight I just had to take something. So yes.. I went rifling though my set of prescribed drugs that do more harm than good to find almost the worst one of all. And I find myself thinking that it better work… though what the hell am I going to do if it doesn’t?! Sue Pfizer? (Hmm..)

I feel as if my body is in revolt against me, and it’s trying to take my soul along with it. I’m tired. I’m in so much pain. And I don’t write this to complain but I guess ..sigh, I’m just trying to document my thoughts during a period of flare-up. And in some way exercise my mind and wield some control where I am at the moment still able. I think too, that I’m going to find myself at the beach tomorrow. Salt water, I’ve found does the best work for me in managing this illness. And unlike the countless doctors I’ve tried, it is completely and absolutely free (YAY!).

So if you see me, or a pic and I look fit and fabulous well then thank you. My CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) is lovely enough to keep me winning on the outside and sinning on the interior. You can’t see it, but I feel it. And just know that it takes more for me to do the simplest things like go out and smile when all I want to do is curl up and cry (I’m a habitual rhymer, sorry).  I push through though. I experience a flare-up as in, an over-abundance of pain, tingling and burning in this centralized area of my body almost every day. When I’m fine is when the pain is mild enough to just be a dull ache and slight discomfort. And I pray for those moments.

I really can’t remember now when I didn’t mentally calculate the weight of an object before picking it up. I miss jumping. My fear of falling has grown exponentially. But I’ve learned to swim. I’ve learned to keep going. And I think I’m going to sleep. Because really and truly after all, I have CRPS…CRPS does not have me. 

So to any and every one who has ever felt some form of pain, whether it be from a stubbed toe to a toothache, to childbirth and labour pain, to arthritis, to chemotherapy to heartbreak, I’m with you. And I hope that you sleep and live and laugh and love despite anything that may lessen your capacity to do so. Do it still and do it well. 

xo, prayers and counting sheep, 



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