If I can help it, I go to the beach quite often. A self-proclaimed mermaid and beach baby, I love the sea. I just take pleasure in being there, with the feeling of the water and the freedom to just be. When I can get away with it, I think skinny dippy is ideal though I love my swimwear and how sexy they make me feel. But growing up, none of this was me. I was always overweight, chubby, I was fat with very little confidence in my exterior. I was past the stage of childhood where I didn’t pay attention to what I looked like and well into adolescence, where all I was what others thought me to be. I hated going to the beach. My body felt so foreign to me. I didn’t want anyone looking at me. I used to wear tights and a t-shirt thinking they hid my rolls and the fact that my legs rubbed. I didn’t feel pretty or graceful and I hated getting into the water, because then my clothes just stuck and felt like weights on me. And then I nearly drowned and my fear of the sea was complete.
So, I don’t think anyone realizes the irony of it all more than I do, when now every week I’m at the beach. After I was diagnosed with CRPS, I tried so many forms of treatment and therapy, but going to the sea was the only thing that had an effect and didn’t worsen the way I felt. I learned to swim and I made peace with the sea. I joke now that it’s the pisces in me but being out there allowed me so much space and clarity. And like the waters, I found a duality there that’s stunning. I have the confidence now to care about the way I look while being at home in my body. I’ve still got rolls and my legs still rub but I don’t hate the way I feel.
And while I no longer relegate myself to t-shirts and tights I’m still always surprised when someone asks about my swimwear. It’s odd how we can go through things in life that are so internal and personal to us, that we never even fathom that others might experience them too. Back then I would’ve waited to look the way I wanted before I even got into a swimsuit. But this is now. So when I’m asked about what I’m wearing. I send along my tips and tricks and discount codes. I live on an island where there is a beach for every day of the year and I want to see more mermaids out there. I think deep down, that even if I was the weight the BMI said I should be, that I’d always still see myself as chubby. And regardless, I’ll be at at the beach and I’ll be wearing what I want, just being a mermaid and enjoying the sea.
salt and love,